Monster
by by7the7sea
Summary: John tells Astrid about his past. Set within the two weeks from the time the Machine is stopped and Jedikiah steals John away.


Disclaimer: The Tomorrow People is the property of the CW. No copyright infringement is intended.

xxx TTP xxx

John and Astrid were walking through the park enjoying a leisurely stroll. John was just telling Astrid how he was doing much better navigating the subway system when they wandered by the area where chess players gathered to challenge each other to speed games. Sitting at one chess board was a father and son. The father was trying to teach his 10-year-old son how to strategize.

"Now, son, sometimes you have to sacrifice a piece ..." the father was saying as John and Astrid passed by.

John stopped in his tracks. Momentarily taken back to when Jedikiah was teaching him how to play the game. Then more memories flooded back and started to overwhelm him. One flashback lead into another ... Jedikiah teaching him chess ... him telling Jedikiah he remembered the lesson when Jedikiah asked him to help save Roger ... shooting Roger ... being prepared to undergo the beta test ... being tested at the safe house ... his old friend at the newsstand being gunned down by Ultra agents ...

Since becoming human, he had tried to bury everything about his life as a Tomorrow Person, wanting to forget and move on. He believed it would help relieve the emptiness he was feeling since having his powers stripped.

"John, what's wrong?" Astrid asked as she saw him losing himself in the memories, she tried to shake him out of it. "John!?"

"What?" John said quickly, startled at suddenly being pulled out of the past. He looked around trying to get his bearings and regain control of his emotions. "I'm fine," he lied, trying desperately to forget again.

"No, no you definitely are not fine," Astrid said as she shook her head. "What happened? We were walking and talking, then you just zoned out."

"Uh, yeah, well ...," John started slowly then continued, " ... it was just a momentary lapse. Nothing to worry about." He tried to smile, but his eyes betrayed his sorrow.

"John, what was it? Ignoring it won't make it go away. It would be better to talk about it," Astrid replied encouragingly.

He took a couple of steps and turned away from her debating the issue.

"It's okay, John," she moved over to him, putting her hand on his shoulder and turning him around so he faced her. He still would not look her in the face and kept staring at the sidewalk. "You can talk to me."

He looked at her, wanting to believe that would be true, but also remembering Cara's anger and indifference.

"I ... it's a long, complicated story."

"We have time," Astrid said softly.

"Okay, maybe, but not here. Let's find some place ... less populated."

As they looked for a more secluded spot, John tried to figure out how to tell her about his life before the Lair. Should he reveal all his deep, dark secrets? His dark past?

They came across a deserted playground. It was early evening, so most kids had headed home. Astrid walked over to one of the swings and sat on it, slightly swaying back and forth. John walked over to the fence nearby and leaned against it.

"What has Stephen told you about me?"

"Not much really. We haven't had much time to discuss anything with him trying to save me and the rest of humanity. "

"Yeah, I guess not," John chuckled. His mood darkened then he continued, "Seeing that father teaching his son how to play chess, brought back a lot of memories for me. Although the real trigger was hearing him say 'son' and 'needing to sacrifice a piece', those are things Jedikiah told me. Just overhearing that ..." He fought to control the memories that yet again threatened to overwhelm him.

Astrid could tell it was getting difficult for John, but she waited patiently, willing him to continue.

"The truth is ... I am a monster," he looked straight at her, fully believing it and dreading her reaction.

Her response was one of subtle disbelief. Astrid was skeptical that the man in front of her, who saved her life and others, could ever be a monster.

"Or, well, used to be one, a genetically enhanced freak. When we ... uhh ... Tomorrow People are born, they are unable to kill. There is something in the brain that incapacitates them whenever they have an intent to kill. The so called Prime Barrier. Well, Ultra found a way to get around that, remove that barrier. I was part of the Beta group, one of only two that survived it. The only one that stayed sane."

"That must have been terrifying. How could they do that?" Astrid was horrified. "Why would they force that on you?"

"Actually, they didn't. I volunteered," he said solemnly. "Jedikiah thought I would be an ideal candidate and I wanted to make him proud ... become an even better agent. At that time, I would have done anything for him. He was my friend and mentor. He was family. Up until then, he had protected and guided me."

John walked over to the swing next to Astrid. He sat on it, but didn't let it move. Astrid twisted her swing a bit to face him.

"I was raised in foster homes, until Jedikiah found me. Growing up in the foster system was not fun. More often than not, the people taking in the unwanted older kids like me were just doing it for the money. Once I got my powers, I started using them to help take care of the other kids. Actually, that's how Ultra tracked me down." He paused and grinned. "Guess I was a bit cocky, stealing a car before I was old enough to drive. I was just trying to get a taste of freedom."

He flashed back to speeding down the deserted road in the car, laughing and having a good time with the radio blaring. Then the cops showed up and he knew it was time to get back to reality.

"I never felt like I had a family until I got to Ultra. Jedikiah was like a father to me. He saved me from that bastard of a foster father and raised me. That made the betrayal even harder to take. He used me. He ruined my life. If not for Roger encouraging me with his dying breath to find the Tomorrow People and protect them, well, I don't know what would have happened."

"You are good at protecting people," Astrid said. "I should know." She smiled at him.

Not really hearing her, he was reliving the moment he killed Roger. Quickly kneeling down to him, telling him he was sorry. He had instantly regretted pulling the trigger, but it was too late.

"Roger told me it was okay. I had just shot him and he said it was okay. How ..."

"Wait, you shot Stephen's dad?" Astrid interrupted. She tried to keep her shock to a minimum.

John took a moment, he looked down and when he found his courage, he looked at her and said, "Yes, I killed him." He fought back the tears. "It was my first assignment after being weaponized. Jedikiah handed me the orders and I couldn't believe it. He told me that his brother had become a threat to everyone, so I was a good, loyal agent and completed the mission."

Astrid remembered seeing John keeping his distance, pacing around, when they were trying to save Roger. John kept standing behind that gate, those bars. It then dawned on her why he was acting that way. She didn't understand it at the time, but now it all fell into place. He looked tortured and anxious. "Oh, John," she said solemnly, tears threatening to fall.

"For six years, that has haunted me," he said. "How do you even try to atone for killing a friend, a mentor? It has not been easy living with that. The only way to move on was to focus on the new mission Roger gave me, finding and protecting the Tomorrow People. I left Ultra and started a new life."

John wiped a few tears away and regained his composure.

"They may have only seen me as a strict leader, but Cara, Russell and the others were my family. I did my best, even after they voted me out and made Cara their new leader. My only concern was to keep them safe."

He thought of Charlie and missed hearing her voice in his head, missed seeing her. He hoped she continued training in order to control the nightmares.

"When I revealed my past to the others and what I had done, they called me what I was and in some ways will aways be ... an Ultra freak that can kill." He leaned forward putting his elbows on his knees and resting his head in his hands, closing his eyes and sighing. He couldn't bear to see the disappointment or shock in Astrid's eyes that he just knew would be there after revealing his darkest secret.

Astrid took a moment to let it all sink in. There was so much hurt and despair in John. Yes, some of his past was quite shocking, but she knew deep down he was a good guy. "John, you are not a monster."

At first he didn't think he heard her right, so he looked away from her.

"John, stop overlooking the good you have done. You provided for your foster brothers, you found and protected the Tomorrow People, you saved my life and probably others. Whether or not you have atoned for shooting Roger, is something you will have to decide, believe it for yourself. But know this ... it is in your nature to take care of others and that is not a trait of a monster."

Astrid gently turned his head to look him in the eye and said unwaveringly "John, you are not a monster." Then she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tight.

At first he didn't respond, then her words finally sunk in and he dared to believe it. That is when he finally let it go. He returned the hug as tears streamed down his face. Maybe there was hope for him yet. He may have felt like a monster at one time, but he did not need to feel that way any more.


End file.
